Catty Corner: Rachael Ray's Mess-ipes

Note:  I have confessed numerous times on this blog to loving Rachael Ray Magazine.  I'm not proud of it.  And I'll add that this post should in no way lead you to believe that I will cease to indulge in my favorite monthly (junk) food mag just because the latest issue grossed me out.   However, those of you (and you know who you are) who have given me flack for my RR Mag habit may have had a point...

The June/July double issue of Rachael Ray Magazine started out sunny, as usual, with a spread of summer shopping essentials and the monthly kitchen disaster round table, but when the recipes started in, things took a turn for the worse.  Much, much worse.  

What with her multiple television shows, books and the magazine, RR often reaches far outside the box when it comes to recipe development.  And I find that entertaining.  I mean, when you've gotta write dozens of original recipes each month, creativity is key.  I am usually quite amused by Ray's unusual "stoups" and "sammies" and what-have-you; I read them for entertainment value and I've even made a few of her dishes over the years.  This time around, however, she lost me.  Upon reading many of the concoctions in this month's mag, instead of letting out my usual chuckle and sighing with amusement, I instead gasped in horror and threw up a little in my mouth.  

But rather than drone on about their comparatively disgusting qualities, I'll list of a few of this month's most appalling Rachael Ray Mess-ipes (as I'll now be calling them) and you can "ew" for yourself:

Tuna Salad Lasagna Stack:  This recipe combined an unholy trinity of tuna salad, boiled lasagna noodles and red pepper puree.  It didn't even get a stint in the oven before serving, so the whole mess is room temp to boot.  Ew.  I think Aunt Mavis' three bean and tuna casserole just lost its place of honor in the Gallery of Regrettable Foods.

Tropical Tuna Salad Supper:  Tuna terror strikes again - but what this disaster needed was an editor.  Eliminate the orange marmalade, frozen edamame, plantain chips (???) and a few other things from this salad recipe and maybe you could actually taste the top-dollar ahi somewhere in the mix. 

Sugar Snap Peas-and-Salami Stir-Fry:  The name says it all, people.  Serve atop steamed rice and you'll never have to put up with dinner guests again.

Runners Up:  

Rachael isn't to blame for these two stomach-turners, but they were in the mag, so they're fair game.

Dishwasher fish:  Why are people so fascinated by this mess?  Seriously - tell me if you know.  This month, RR mag rehashes the old gimmick and even points out that you can steam your foil-wrapped fish while you wash dishes (soap and all).  I don't care if not one microscopic droplet of caked-on food or Jet Dry seeps into that packet; it's still gross.  Would you poach fish the same way in a sinkful of soaking pots and pans?  Didn't think so.  Go boil a pan of water and poach your fish in there.

Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit Light Beer with Natural Flavor:  Don't shoot the messenger.  Direct your complaints to Anheuser-Busch Inc., St. Louis, MO.

Catty Corner

Are you ready for some more meow?  

Catty Corner #2:  New Edible Wasn’t as Tasty as I Expected… 

Can I tell you how excited I was to read the first issue of Edible Dallas and Fort Worth?  I was given a copy of Edible Austin some time ago by a friend in Fredericksburg and I proceeded to devour it cover-to-cover on the car ride back home.  I eagerly anticipated the arrival of this magazine dedicated to local, seasonal and artisanal foods when I heard it was coming to the Metroplex – and I finally got my hands on a copy last Saturday.  Sigh.  It wasn’t all that I had expected...

First of all, I’d like to point out what I enjoyed about Edible:

Variety:  The articles presented covered a wide range of topics – gardening, cooking, farming, etc.

Tom Spicer:  I loved the profile of the man behind F-M 1410.  Kim Pierce captured his passionate conviction and eccentric individuality.

Recipes:  Who doesn’t love recipes?  My mouth really watered for “Deborah’s Herb Crusted Chevre Medallions”.

…However, I’d be fibbing if I said that the good outweighed the bad. I think it was about a 50/50 split.  Here are my issues with the issue:

On the detail-oriented side, I’d like to strongly suggest that Edible add photo captions.  For example, I had no idea who the fellow was who was pictured with the article on Bolsa.  Is he one of the owners or the chef?  And what is the name of the delicious dish to his right? Likewise, other mystery photos detracted from my enjoyment of the magazine, instead of adding to it as they should.

Second, I would have liked a short bio on the contributors in the style of other magazines.  The section called “Notable Edibles”, for instance, is written by the “Edible Staff” – who are they? What are their backgrounds and areas of expertise?  The magazine is about getting more personal with your food, after all, so why not give us a little info on the folks behind the words, too?  (The website offers background on a couple of contributors, but why not the magazine itself?)

Third, some of the content left much to be desired.   Case in point: “The Pleasures of Eating” by Wendell Berry was, in my estimation, a rambling, reprimanding rant against the very folks who would be reading it for not being aware enough to recognize the shortcomings of their own food supply.  I’m sorry, but wouldn’t the audience for such an article (readers of Edible magazine) be quite aware of why, how and what they were eating?  Various parts of the essay also seemed – how to put it? – folksy and outdated.  Take the following quote: “Like industrial sex, industrial eating has become a degraded, poor and paltry thing.”  What exactly is Mr. Berry getting at here?  I don’t think I even know what “industrial sex” is.  The rest of the paragraph didn’t adequately explain the comparison.  

Later, while discussing food advertising Berry states, “If one gained one’s whole knowledge of food from these advertisements (as some presumably do), one would not know that the various edibles were ever living creatures or that they all come from the soil or that they were produced by work.”  Has this man watched television or read a magazine lately?  Not only do I believe that most advertising these days strives to achieve a goal opposite of his claim – in fact exaggerating the connection between their products and the earth – but I’d further hypothesize that any grade-schooler in the country knows that beef comes from cows, which are living animals, and that vegetables grow in the ground.  Only when I flipped to the end of the article and saw that it was originally printed in 1990 did I understand why some of the statements in the piece seemed out of touch with 2009.

Further, a profile of Khatter Vineyards left out a crucial detail.  I have visited this small vineyard and winery, and I think the most important point to mention when suggesting it as a destination (as the article did) is that it is located in the side and back yards of a private home in a residential neighborhood in the suburb of Parker.  Reading a passage like “…nestled among towering pecan trees, overlooking a crooked creek…” gives a very different impression, no? Carolyn Khatter is a lovely person and she makes some damn good wine, but we must be clear about these things.

There’s more, but I won’t press on.   I have high hopes for the next installment of Edible Dallas and Fort Worth, even though this initial effort didn’t satisfy my appetite.  Perhaps issue two will have worked out some of these kinks.

And now, I'm off to my scratching post.

C&S

Restaurant Bargains from Texas Monthly

I love getting something for (almost) nothing...  Don't you?  

The cover of April’s Texas Monthly magazine promises “Free Food! (Almost.)” and Patricia Sharpe’s feature, “How to Eat Well in Hard Times” definitely delivers. Her selection of exceptional, economical restaurant meals from across the state includes four picks from right here in Big D: 

1.  Grilled Pork Over Vermicelli with Green Papaya from Bistro B

2.  The Fried Chicken Dinner from Bubba’s

3.  The Beef-and-Cheese Cachapa from Zaguán Latin Café and Bakery

4.  Chicken Potpie from Cowboy Chow

My mouth is already watering.  Has anyone tried any of these dishes?  If so, how do they rate on *your* cheapskate gourmet scale?  Some of her picks from other cities also looked tempting - I'll definitely reference this article on my next trip to Austin or Houston or even Fort Worth (but I'll let you pick up your own copy for those).

Click here for a extra-bonus slide show, narrated by Ms. Sharpe.

Esquire Mag's Ode to the Most Important Meal

In case you had trouble getting past the Clive Owen cover of this month's Esquire Magazine (not saying that I personally had a problem...), here's recommending you go ahead and flip to page 107 and drink in the heady food porn that is Esquire's All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast.  

Beginning with a drool-inducing photo of Banana Bread French Toast dripping in vanilla bean infused maple syrup and capped with a quivering crown of lemon sour cream, this special section proceeds to persuade the reader through essays, recipes and restaurant listings of the absolute indispensability of the modern American morning meal.  Divided into two parts - dining in and dining out - you'll first enjoy eight pages of how-to's from chefs around the country interspersed with witticisms and observations on the subject at hand.  A case in point, from Scott Raab's Love, Or Scrambled Eggs: "Breakfast is breakfast.  No metaphor, no symbol - save maybe in the sense that any social custom mirrors every other social custom, which is to say that either everything is a metaphor or symbol, or that nothing, especially not so fine and free a thing as breakfast, is.  Breakfast is too good to screw it up with meaning."  And that, my friends, is why I love Esquire.

Also contained in the first section is a recipe for Jalepeno and Ancho Oatmeal from Chef Edward Lee of 610 Magnolia in Louisville.  Combining such divergent ingredients as dried cherries, Hungarian paprika, coconut milk and (you guessed it) jalepeno peppers, it may just be the most peculiar recipe I've ever read.  The photo of another offering, Pulled Baby-Back Ribs Benedict from Chef Raymond Chen of the Inn at West View Farm in Dorset, Vermont, actually forced me to lay my head between my legs and count slowly to ten, lest I faint from overwhelming desire.  (Sorry, Clive.)

The dining out section that follows provides an "unranked, incomplete, and unimpeachable list of the best breakfasts across America."  I'm sorry to report that Dallas is not represented, however the list makes for great reading nonetheless.  Who knew that Minneapolis loves a little bison-sausage bread in the morning?  Waffle House also gets a shout-out in this second half, and New Orleans is named "America's Best Breakfast City".  Anyone who has ever felt a beignet from Cafe du Monde melt on his tongue under a hot blanket of cafe au lait will absolutely agree with that honor.

And that's not the half of it - I've only scratched the surface here, people.  Pick up a copy for yourself, and while you're at it, help me come up with a few North Texas suggestions for the next time around:  Where's the best breakfast in the Metroplex?

C&S

Quickie Quote: Bittman Bites Back

This month's Body + Soul Magazine features a mini-interview with Mark Bittman, everyone's favorite Minimalist.  Below is a thought-provoking quote from that piece.  I highly recommend picking up the March issue of Body + Soul to read the rest - along with lots of other good-for-you stuff.  It also inspired me to look into Bittman's latest book, Food Matters...

"The real danger to our bodies and our planet, in terms of poisoning the earth and global warming, is the industrial raising of meat and fish.  Do I think eating a bowl of pasta is a crime against humanity?  No.  Do I think eating half a pound of meat a day is?  Yes." 

- Mark Bittman in Body + Soul Magazine, March 2009

Food Network to Launch Magazine

So, my beloved Food Network is launching a new magazine. Not surprisingly, they are calling it "Food Network Magazine". Although I haven't seen it yet, from what I understand, the intention is to be aimed toward the casual home cook (like Everyday with Rachel Ray or Martha Stewart's Everyday Food) than toward the hard-core Foodie.

The magazine launched its first test issue on October 14, and it will launch a second test issue in January 2009. It plans to start its regular distribution in June of 2009.

My question is, who will be reading this magazine? I am a HUGE Food Network fan, but I am not sure how I see this translating to print. My favorite Food Network star is The Barefoot Contessa, Ina Garten. I've seen all of her shows, and I own all of her cookbooks. Is there going to be anything in the magazine that I haven't seen before? I find that unlikely. Unless they have a Tyler Florence centerfold in each issue, I don't see any reason that I'll become a regular reader.

I know I sound like a Grinch, but I already subscribe to Food & Wine, Everyday Food, and Cooking Light, so it's not at all that I am opposed to these types of magazines. I just don't think I'll be looking to take on another one.

What do you guys think? Is anyone completely psyched about the new magazine or are you pretty bored with this news as well?