Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Catty Corner: Rachael Ray's Mess-ipes

Note:  I have confessed numerous times on this blog to loving Rachael Ray Magazine.  I'm not proud of it.  And I'll add that this post should in no way lead you to believe that I will cease to indulge in my favorite monthly (junk) food mag just because the latest issue grossed me out.   However, those of you (and you know who you are) who have given me flack for my RR Mag habit may have had a point...

The June/July double issue of Rachael Ray Magazine started out sunny, as usual, with a spread of summer shopping essentials and the monthly kitchen disaster round table, but when the recipes started in, things took a turn for the worse.  Much, much worse.  

What with her multiple television shows, books and the magazine, RR often reaches far outside the box when it comes to recipe development.  And I find that entertaining.  I mean, when you've gotta write dozens of original recipes each month, creativity is key.  I am usually quite amused by Ray's unusual "stoups" and "sammies" and what-have-you; I read them for entertainment value and I've even made a few of her dishes over the years.  This time around, however, she lost me.  Upon reading many of the concoctions in this month's mag, instead of letting out my usual chuckle and sighing with amusement, I instead gasped in horror and threw up a little in my mouth.  

But rather than drone on about their comparatively disgusting qualities, I'll list of a few of this month's most appalling Rachael Ray Mess-ipes (as I'll now be calling them) and you can "ew" for yourself:

Tuna Salad Lasagna Stack:  This recipe combined an unholy trinity of tuna salad, boiled lasagna noodles and red pepper puree.  It didn't even get a stint in the oven before serving, so the whole mess is room temp to boot.  Ew.  I think Aunt Mavis' three bean and tuna casserole just lost its place of honor in the Gallery of Regrettable Foods.

Tropical Tuna Salad Supper:  Tuna terror strikes again - but what this disaster needed was an editor.  Eliminate the orange marmalade, frozen edamame, plantain chips (???) and a few other things from this salad recipe and maybe you could actually taste the top-dollar ahi somewhere in the mix. 

Sugar Snap Peas-and-Salami Stir-Fry:  The name says it all, people.  Serve atop steamed rice and you'll never have to put up with dinner guests again.

Runners Up:  

Rachael isn't to blame for these two stomach-turners, but they were in the mag, so they're fair game.

Dishwasher fish:  Why are people so fascinated by this mess?  Seriously - tell me if you know.  This month, RR mag rehashes the old gimmick and even points out that you can steam your foil-wrapped fish while you wash dishes (soap and all).  I don't care if not one microscopic droplet of caked-on food or Jet Dry seeps into that packet; it's still gross.  Would you poach fish the same way in a sinkful of soaking pots and pans?  Didn't think so.  Go boil a pan of water and poach your fish in there.

Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit Light Beer with Natural Flavor:  Don't shoot the messenger.  Direct your complaints to Anheuser-Busch Inc., St. Louis, MO.


Anonymous said...

That's just sickening! Is she serious?

Momcat said...

Where did you find that great pic?(!)

Remember when Julia Roberts took two years off (at the height of her career, just after Pretty Woman and two other forgettable movies)? She did this in order to take acting lessons! When she returned to the screen, she was a far superior actress, and an Oscar soon followed.

So...maybe Ms. Ray should follow Ms. Roberts' sterling example. Take some time off and go to cooking school.

Dishwasher fish - is this for real? Although I agree with Alton Brown that all kitchen devices should be 'multi-taskers,' this is taking the concept way too far!!!

Eddie G said...

Some of those sound like they were inspired by those Weight Watchers recipe cards from the 70s :D

Classy&Sassy said...

LOL Eddie - my fave are the "Caucasian Shashlik" ;)

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